Saturday, January 16, 2010

Keeping my promise

I promised that I would update with a teaser from my novel and I am keeping that promise now. Prepare yourselves to enter a world that has been plaguing my mind for the past couple of months...

Chapter One: The Raid

(Jenna)


"Jenna, I really don't think this is a good idea."

I groaned and rolled my eyes as Chase caught up to me. I was preparing for the evening out, I already had my stake in its hip holster and my favorite knife strapped to my ankle. I was trying to find my spare dagger when Chase interrupted me.

"Chase, I already told you that you do not have to come tonight. It is your decision," I said, pulling my dark hair up into a ponytail so it would stay out of my face when I was fighting.

"I just don't think we should go to the Blood District tonight, we can head over to the Flesh District. Besides, it is easier to hunt there. Steele is going to be pissed if he finds out we took on some vampires without him for backup," Chase growled threateningly.

"Fine, go barge into his certification class and tell him that I am taking on some Night Walkers without him to hold my hand. I am not a baby, Chase," I snapped.

"Chase, lay off her. If she thinks she needs to prove something to Steele by going on a raid tonight it is her choice. Besides, she is our best tracker," Molly said with a cheeky grin aimed in my direction. "You know, you don't have to come with us tonight."

Chase sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. "I never said that I wasn't going, I just think that it's a bad idea."

I ignored him as I led the way out of the house, followed closely by Molly and Locke. I didn't expect Locke to say much about my decision, but then, he rarely argued with my decisions on anything. It was one of the things I liked best about him.

Once we got outside I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the cold night air. I wanted to head to the Blood District tonight because I knew that my attacks worked best on a vampire and because Steele hated to see me around the blood suckers. It was a win-win situation if there ever was one. I shook my head of that thought and focused my internal compass on finding our quarry.

Earlier this week there had been reports of a small group of vampires who were crossing boundaries and feeding from children in a nearby residential district. There had been enough eyewitness accounts given that I knew I could find the rogue group and take them out, but I also knew that Steele would think it was to dangerous for us. That is why I had waited until the night of his weekly certification class to take the group out. He was going to kill me when he got back home and found out what I had done, but I didn't care. I was through letting him treat me like a child he had to protect. He was only three years older than me and he knew I was a better fighter than he was. He just hated to see me fight since the night of my accident...

"Hey, Jenna, are we going to get going or what?" Molly asked, bumping into my shoulder forcefully.

I shook myself out of my dark thoughts and focused on what was going on. "Sorry about that," I muttered, "Let me concentrate for a minute."

Everyone got really quiet; they knew I worked best when I could focus completely on what I wanted to track. I took a deep breath and then let it out, imagining the rogue vampires in my mind. Within seconds my internal compass shifted north and I felt it pull me past the Blood District and into a residential. "Crap, we got some Night Walkers prowling around the North Res," I told them and Chase groaned.

"If we keep running around the residential areas we are going to get caught," he reminded me. Yeah, like I needed to be reminded that we were all practicing magic under age, without training and most importantly without a license.

"If we head out now we will miss the routine sweeps," I said calmly, trying to remind him that I was taking all responsibility for this mission.

"Fine, let's just go, I'm tired of trying to talk sense into you."

I hesitated, knowing that Chase usually had a good sense of how a mission was going to go. If he was fighting me it was probably for a good reason. I also knew that if I gave in now, Steele would find out about it and I would never get another chance to prove myself. Finally I steeled myself against what would come and I snapped out an order, "Follow me."

It took us fifteen minutes to reach our destination. It wasn't exactly easy for four teenagers to sneak around the back alleys of a city that was teeming with Night Walkers and government sweeps, but we knew the layout of the city better than anyone in it. We had to in our line of work.

When we reached the edge of the North Residential District I paused, trying to get a track on where our prey was. "Two blocks to the east," I muttered, attempting to be as quiet as possible. The sweeps didn't just catch movement, they caught sound too and they didn't just give you a slap on the wrist for being out after curfew without papers.

We moved as quietly as we could, taking great care not to speak to each other or step on a sweep mine. We had only been in the North Res for a few minutes when I smelled the vampires ahead. It was a smell of dark magic, musty and thick. I motioned to the others that they were close by and then I used a precious ounce of magical energy to form a silent cocoon around our group. I wasn't willing to get caught by the Sweepers for taking out a few rogue vamps, it just wasn't worth it.

After a few more steps I heard some muttering coming from just up ahead. As we made our way through an alley I caught my first glimpse of them. There were three of them, standing in a circle around a small shape near the end of the alley. I knew without a doubt that they had already claimed another victim tonight and it threw me into a hot rage.

My mind snapped with the fury that suddenly shot through my body. I was always passionate about my work, but when children were involved I lost more than just my temper, I lost my focus as well. It was as if I suddenly had tunnel vision, all I could see was the one vampire at the back of the group, his lips dripping with fresh blood.

A snarl ripped itself out of my chest as I flipped the stake out of my hip holster and gripped it tightly in my palm. I sprinted forward, my eyes focused on the blood smeared Night Walker as I raised the stake over my head, prepared to shove it into his cold dead body. Suddenly I saw something out of the corner of my eye that made me hesitate in my adrenaline fueled attack. Another vampire came at me from the side, moving as gracefully as only a Night Walker was able. Before I could throw up my hands to block his attack his hands shifted, moving to my head. I felt the coolness of his touch a moment before the darkness claimed me and I crumpled to a heap on the ground.





Well? Like it, hate it, not quite sure yet? Anyway, welcome to my world...

2 comments:

  1. Not bad.

    I do have a few comments for you, though:

    1) Contractions: you don't use nearly enough of them when characters are speaking, making it hard to feel like characters are talking to each other; their speech feels stiff.

    2) You introduce a lot of concepts and characters very fast. Space it out and pace yourself a bit; give us time to know people before you throw that much information at us.

    3) Describe things; paint the scene with images and senses; smell, taste, feel - not just sight.

    You did several things really well:

    1) Good hook. You started right off into the story and wrote it like the characters knew what was up. You showed instead of told. Things like the Districts, Certification classes, the casual way she was looking for her spare knife - that sort of thing draws the reader into the story and to the character.

    2) It is very obvious that you, the writer, know what's going on and know how it all works and you show that very clearly to the readers.

    3) Character - it doesn't feel like you're unsure about who people are and how they interact. You clealry use the first few paragraphs of each character's introduction to establish personality and theme. This is damn hard to do, but you have it down in this story!

    Hope some of that helps!

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  2. You have given me several good things to work on, the contractions though I knew about... I took all my contractions out for NaNo (lol) and I keep forgetting to fix them. The second point is probably the hardest for me, and you know that. I'm just not sure how to string out a story that feels so fast paced. Any pointers on how to do that?

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